CNN Could Kill You -- Transcript

Below is the transcript for the animated news show HassleHead News episode: "CNN Could Kill You!"

HASSLE HEAD NEWS #1

INT. NEWS STUDIO - WIDE SHOT
A moment of silence. The characters move papers around on the desk. Then, O.S.

PRODUCER (V.O.): Dead air. Dead air you numbskulls. Roll the intro. Roll it.

INTRODUCTION GRAPHICS AND MUSIC - “HASSLE HEAD NEWS.”

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Hassle Head News. Keeping our eyes on the big guys. News. Analysis. Commentary. Culture. Humor. More. Hassle Head News.

BUCK: Our top story this week: CNN could kill you. Under the exactly right conditions, CNN, the giant media conglomerate owned by the gargantuan Time Waner/AOL conglomerate could kill you. For more on this exclusive HHN report, here’s Drew.

DREW: It could kill me? But I don’t want to die. I’m young. I’m pretty. I want more sex.

MAX: In an exclusive report HHN has determined that CNN could be lethal to your health under exactly the following conditions: if the cable news giant were the earth’s atmosphere and the percent of news in CNN programming were equivalent to the percent of oxygen in the atmoshphere, you would asphyxiate and die.

DREW: Asphyiate? (she cries) And Die? (she cries hysterically)

BUCK: But CNN is not the earth’s atmosphere.

MAX: Right. So it won’t actually kill you. But it does suck.

BUCK: Define suck for us Max.

Max makes a hole of his mouth and makes a sucking sound.

BUCK: I work with imbeciles.

DREW: We analyzed several hours of CNN programming from Monday of this week. The percent of it as part of a CNN programming hour was below 20% and may have been as low as 9%. In one hour of programming that we analyzed in detail, CNN carried 14 news items and 26 self promotions. Here’s a clip of the “just ahead” items. These items are the time fillers during which the cable network could give us real information but instead just tells us to stay tuned.

ROLL THE JUST AHEAD CLIP.

BUCK: Repellent.

MAX: Revolting.

DREW: Abominable.

BUCK: In other news, the horn of Africa will go to war, again, with little care or notice from the outside world. Dude you’re standing on my sand, it turns out, remains one of the most bellicose things one can say.

MAX: A week after the Iraq Study Group report, it’s clear it was commissioned to produced a straw man for the president to assail and eschew in an effort to look presidential.

DREW: A well manicured and groomed penis, a circumcised one, that is, reduces the HIV infections in heterosexual men.

ANNOUNCER: Join us next week for another weekly wrap-up, news and analysis.